Day 25 and counting....

I remember thinking back on those three long years that we tried to get pregnant.  I remember how agonizing and difficult of a journey that time was.  How we would wish, pray, beg and plead to finally be able to conceive our baby.  I thought that was the most trying time in my life, our life; but I was so wrong. 

  

On April 1st, my father's birthday no less, my worse nightmare slowly began to unravel. Many of you already know the story and in an attempt to not make this post a novel, I will fast forward a bit.  

Three years waiting and wondering if we would ever get to become parents was nothing compared to the three days that we waited and wondered if our baby girl would live or not.  

In a nut shell...

Harlow had a fever and was vomiting

We took her to the doctor

Sent home to observe her as she had a stomach virus, most likely

She became lethargic and wouldn't drink anything and I panicked

Called doctor and was sent to the ER

Tested positive for Flu A and blood pressure, blood sugar and electrolytes were extremely low

Admitted to children's hospital

Watched for 5 hours as she slowly began  dying right in front of us 

Finally PICU doc sent to see her after I pointed out that she had a large abscess on her neck, was struggling to breath, and had a huge rash covering her entire body

Admitted to PICU where we waited for over an hour for any news

Told they almost lost her, twenty minutes after she was brought in

Blur, blur, blur

85% mortality rate for the first 3 days

Slowly began responding to meds and organs showed signs of working

Days and days passed

Almost lost her hand and two legs due to loss of blood flow

Medicinal leeches put on her hand and completely saved it

Two surgeries to remove dead tissue and skin from her legs and heel

22 days in PICU and finally sent to the normal children's hospital floor

Day 4 on the normal floor and we are thriving

Scheduled for skin grafts on Thursday, it's currently Saturday

Hoping to be sent home a day or two after the surgery

I'm leaving out millions of tears, break downs, questions and details as not only would that take forever, but at this point I have mentally begun blocking out those first few days.  It is just too difficult to try and recall or relive that terror.  We made every deal with God and promised that I would never need another child.  That I wouldn't even ask for another baby. That I would be content and wouldn't even mourn the possibility of a sibling for Harlow. But He could not take this baby from me.  I wouldn't allow it.  I wouldn't be able to handle that and would question everything if this happened.  

I know now why we were put through the test of infertility.   It was so we would cherish every single moment with our miracle baby. It was so I could gain strength and knowledge and empathy for others who struggle through the vicious cycle. It was so I could overcome my fear of needles and medications.  It was so Blake and I could grow as a couple; fall apart and come together again. It was so we would never take our child's life for granted. And we don't.  Ever. 

But this test?  I can't wrap my mind around why we would be put through this one.  We had everything in perspective. We cherished and cherish the hell out of our daughter. We know what a miracle she is, everyday. 

Maybe it was to show us how much Harlow has touched others' lives. To let us see how sharing our struggle, life and daughter with the world, has affected people.  To let us know that we are not alone. That others also know what a special child our daughter is. So that we can one day share this story with her.  To tell her she's magical and brave and a true miracle. Times two

We may never know the reason for this awful experience.  But that's not my focus. My focus is that Harlow has beaten all the odds. She continues to amaze doctors and nurses who didn't expect her to survive, let alone keep her limbs.  My focus is my child. I stare at her and can't even imagine what my life would be like without her. If the % would have proven true.  She is my heart, my reason and my world. I exist because she does. I am ever thankful for these 25 days.  We are still here. We are still fighting. We are trying to recover. We are still a family. Always. 

Black Is The New Pink

There is something so tender and whimsical about baby girls.  Their innocence and gentle nature make it easy to see why the saying goes, "Thank Heaven For Little Girls".  There is also that lil rhyme that says girls are made of, "sugar and spice and everything nice".   I'd like to emphasize the SPICE part.  

Why is it that society feels that all baby girls must be slathered in pink and ruffles?!  If you go to any baby store, it's easy as pie to find the baby girls' section. It's the one that looks like it got doused in Pepto Bismal.  Nearly every article of clothing is covered in pink (and maybe a tad bit of purple) and has a heart, kitten, flower or something else totally girly all over it.  Now, some of he boys' stuff isn't much better....dinosaurs or sports much?  But the boys also get all the cool designs. Arrows, stars, skulls and guitars.   They get cool colors like gray and black.  It's like it's never entered a baby girl clothing brand to dabble into other hues of the rainbow. (Ok, so I'm pretty sure gray and black aren't in the rainbow.....stay with me). 

I'm happy to see animal print is now available but it's never a cool print.  It's like the designer is afraid that if they just make clothes with leopard print, no one will buy them. How would anyone know the baby was a girl?  I dare say you put a bow or headband on her head. So they slap on some silly pink and now it's suitable for girls.  And just a PSA: it IS possible to dress your daughter in too much leopard.  Same with camoflague.  When was the last time you saw cool camo in the baby girls' department?  Apparently moms can't just add their own flair to a camo outfit and justify it....nope.  They have to have PINK camo pants....which totally makes sense.  Try hunting in those and let me know what you get.  

You should see the confusion on the sales clerk's face when I'm perusing the boys' section of baby gap, holding my daughter.  They assume I must be buying a gift. Nope. I just want a cool flannel shirt that isn't purple and pink. I wasn't a traditional green, blue and red plaid. Same with some jeans.  I don't want back pockets in the shape of hearts. I want normal looking jeans. Harlow wears lots of black and gray and red and she does wear a little pink.  I'm not saying that some pink isn't adorable and stylish. I just don't get why everything has to be that shade. Your newborn daughter doesn't have to be in black leather pants and a blazer, but you bet your ass if they made that, I would've bought it.  

Desperation -My First Journal Entry

People always talk about the miraculous moments of pregnancy. There are those who tried for a month and voila, they were pregnant.  There are those that were taken completely by surprise and had to adjust to the idea of having a baby. Oh the scary, joyous, breathtaking moment when their period didn't come and the home pregnancy test said "positive, +, =" or "pregnant".  Basically saying, "blessed, fortunate, lucky" etc. 

What people rarely, if ever, talk about is when that period DOES come-month after month. When that pregnancy test repeatedly says "negative, not pregnant, -, not this time, again no baby".  That little stick holds all the hope and promise in what it tells you.  The seconds before it changes to tell you your fate, your heart pounds outside of your chest.  Your dreams of becoming a parent, images of yourself pregnant and what your baby will look like, and of course just how you will break the news to your husband- all lie in what that test says. 

And just like that, it's over. All the anticipation that this whole last month was the last month you had to live this vicious cycle. That all the stress, tears, perfect timing, injections, blood work, ultrasounds, retaining water weight, hormonal fits and the inevitable let downs are OVER!!  But then they're not. Whether it's that dreadful call from the lab or the ugly sign on the test...all at once, you're back at square one again. Being sad, mad, frustrated, tired, stressed, overwhelmed and done with the whole process. Time to take a break, to revive myself. Let my body rest and go back to it's normalcy. Not worry all month whether this time, the pills, shots and IUI worked or not.  How can I keep doing this?

Yet, the though of holding off from possibly getting pregnant, for a month, two or more is almost as crushing as the realization that once again, after a year of trying and 7-8 months of medical assistance- I'm still not pregnant. 

I'm so ready for my baby. 

(I wrote this entry on 12/13/11.  Harlow will turn one this February 5th 2014.  All is never lost). 

Holidaze

Hoping everyone had a fantastic Holiday and I'm wishing you all a memorable new  year!  Here are a few highlights from Harlow's first Christmas:

1.  As an early Christmas present, Harlow   got her very first ear infection. Which was sad on its own, but given the fact that she caught it right at the tail end of a flu cold...she was pissed. So was I. And anyone we encountered during this awful time. 

2. We conquered the whole Santa Claus thing....twice.  She loved him and smiled big for all the photos. Nailed it!!

3.  In order to show her Noni that she loves her, Harlow graced my mother in law's bath tub with one of her famous tub poops.

4.  Harlow is on the move and crawling all over. Not sure if this is a great thingfor  me, as I loved the simplicity of a non mobile baby. But hey, at least she's hitting her milestones!

5. Harlow also learned how to wave so we spent the entire break greeting every person, place and thing.  She broke a new record by waving at the same man for an entire catholic mass.  To that sweet soul, thank you for playing along...for the entire hour.  Hope your wrist heals. 

6.  If Santa was waiting for Harlow to fall asleep before he came down the chimney, then he is probably frost bitten. She decided to party all night long with us on Christmas Eve.

7.  My daughter was beyond spoiled with dolls, toys, musical instruments, clothes, books and pushing charts. So I can completely understand that while sitting in the middle of all these amazing things...she would only be interested in a cardboard box.

8.  When we returned home, to thank me for all her Christmas love and gifts...Harlow gave me a hug, a kiss, a wave, the word mama and one of her famous tub poops.

9.  I'm fulfilled and trying to find places to stash all the crap she got. 

Why'd you have to go and take me at my word...

I decided to start this blog as an outlet for my struggles, my journey, my sorrows and the pure magic that is being a mother to Harlow.   I didn't expect anyone to care or bother to read any of my posts and I have truly being moved by all the sweet comments I have received.  

I should know how important words can be; as I just wrote an entire post about how they can affect someone. I'm well aware how words can touch you; like lyrics to a song. I know firsthand how words can pierce your soul and cut through.  And I also know how strengthening, powerful and healing words can be. Like I stated before, I didn't think many would read this blog, but I'm so so glad you have and can relate on many levels. I was not the first or only one to face these issues and unfortunately there will be many many more after me. I was so fortunate to have a female friend who had been through a similar journey and although our situations weren't mirrored reflections of one another; we both had the same yearning to become mothers some day. 

I have been thanked by some for being so honest and courageous to tell so many personal stories and experiences. I have been floored to learn how many others share my story or one similar.  I hope that you know that there is a happy ending and you have to believe that. 

I hope I haven't offended anyone or hurt anyone's feelings. That is never my intention.  For everyone who has reached out to me  about something they have read in my blog...I have today thank you. It makes my struggles so much easier and my delight in the present so much purer. 

Do Yourself A Solid And Don't Ask

Here's a little fairy tale for you....

A guy meets a girl. They fall in love. He proposes to her. They get married. They have kids.  They live happily ever after; no questions asked. I hate to be the barer of bad news but that's never gonna happen. Here is a real life scenario:

You're single. 

People will constantly ask you when you're going to meet someone.  (Like you freaking know or something. Perhaps you enjoy being single or wish you could find someone).

You meet someone. 

People will constantly ask when you're going to get engaged  (even if you've only been dating that person for a few months).

You get engaged.

People may say "Congratulations" yet their very next question will be when is the wedding?

You get married. 

People will ask when you're having a baby.  (Even though the ink is still wet on all those checks you wrote for your big day).

You have a baby.

People will ask when you are having another baby.  (Although you may not hear that one because 

a) you are so sleep deprived, you barely catch a word anyone says these days 

b) you have sweet potato in your ear from your baby's lunch session

c) you went to laugh and realized you peed yourself...again).

Oh and ps, it doesn't necessarily have to happen in that particular order but just a warning...if you decide to have a baby before you get married....the wedding questions will come at you 20 times more often in every which way. 

I know people are just curious, concerned or interested in our lives, but my perspective has greatly changed on asking questions. Especially regarding the baby situation. 

If you've read some of my blogs you know that my husband and I did IVF to conceive my daughter, Harlow. It's not a club I ever imagined or wanted to be a part of; but I'm so lucky that it was an option for us, that we were financially able to go through the process and of course that the first round worked!  I've never been ashamed or hidden the fact that We got pregnant using in vitro fertilization; as so many couples have to. It's like when people get plastic surgery and won't own up to it.  You could do it. You did it. Now accept it and admit it. 

I wasn't always so open or honest about my fertility issues. Like many, I went through multiple stages of emotions and vulnerability.  Denial, anger, depression, jealousy, hopelessness and the list could go on and on. I chose not to share my struggles with many people as I wanted to stay positive and for a few moments, not stress over it. I withdrew myself a little from my friends and social life as it got harder and harder to be around people and act lively, see them pregnant, etc.    Due to this, lots of people didn't know my husband and I were even trying to have a baby. This can be a blessing or a curse. 

I can so vividly remember when my family and I were sitting around on a Thanksgiving visit and my sister in law announced that she was expecting. We had been trying with medicine and testing for over two years and although it was the wrong reaction...I wanted to die. That's when a somewhat intoxicated person looked at me and said, "Well, you better hurry up and get on it Julie."  I lost it and began uncontrollably bawling right there at the table. That statement killed me completely. She had no idea we were struggling but it didn't make it hurt any less.  And so many times before and after that day, people constantly asked and probed us as to when we would start having kids. 

I'm not making this a pity story about me. Just a nice PSA to everyone out there that asks. I know you just care and are eager for your friend or relative to start a family, but maybe they don't know if they ever want kids. Maybe they can't agree on the children decision. Maybe they aren't financially capable of having a baby right now. Maybe they have conceived and have lost one or more babies. Maybe  they have been on a long waiting list to adopt. Or maybe, just maybe all they want is to get pregnant but are either struggling or are unable to.  Please be gentle with your questions as every time you ask someone a question regarding their love life, marriage, or future children...you are simply reminding them of what they don't have. 

I usually try to add humor to my posts but this one is near and dear to me. 

It's Official...

I've become my mother.  In the best sense of the word, but it is shocking how many things change once that precious little bundle of joy enters your world. 

1.  It is impossible to spontaneously do ANYTHING anymore. Remember how you used to be like, "oh we are out of milk" and would just grab your keys and run to the store?  Not happening anymore. First of all, you will only go to the store when you are in dire need of something (diapers, baby Tylenol, vodka...I sort of kid on that last one).   Or when you have a list that is so damn long it's obvious how long it's been since you last went to the store. You are even out of condiments. When that time comes when there is literally nothing left to eat in your house...you'll go to the supermarket. It will take you about 15-45 minutes to pack up everything you may need "just in case" the baby has a meltdown, gets hungry, or decides now is the optimal time to have an explosive diaper.  Once that's all ready, you will get to play the game of  "I know you hate going in the car seat but please, please just this once let me buckle you in without arching your back etc.".  Once that battle is won, you pack up the car and head to Kroger. Half of the time you will forget that huge list and won't even consider going back for it.  So then you get the privilege of playing the guessing game of what you truly need to buy.  This entails going down every aisle, while pulling random colorful objects off the shelves to entertain the baby. Hopefully your baby is big enough to sit in the baby seat of the shopping cart because if you have to bring in that whole car seat...you can physically only fit like five things in that cart. You end up leaving out essential items or slowly piling stuff up around your baby until you're sure the lady in aisle 5 is calling child protective services on you. Once you finally check out, the teenage bagger will load all your groceries into a completely separate cart, which makes putting an infant car seat into it impossible.  Then you and said teenager will struggle to load all those damn bags into the cart without smothering your child.  When you arrive home, 1-4 hours later...once you debate which gets unloaded first...the milk, ice cream or the baby...you will then and only then realize all the items you forgot to get.  But there is no way in hell you're attempting that whole thing again. So you'll eat dry cereal for a week until you muster up the courage to face the store again or the always safer, faster and far less painful option...let daddy watch the baby while you take a mini vacation at Kroger.