I have such mixed emotions about you and feel we have had a love/hate relationship these last 365 days. You began with such promise and high hopes. In early February, we celebrated the beautiful first year of Harlow's life. A candy themed birthday party seemed only appropriate, as she has brought so much sweetness to our everyday life. I still couldn't thank everyone for sharing in her special day, without choking up. I'm not sure if or when I'll ever be able to speak about my daughter without getting emotional. It's a strength and a weakness. We watched as Harlow began to gain confidence and the ability to pull up on furniture and walk along side of things. After struggling for years to become a family, everything was finally the way I had always dreamt it to be.
Apparently you had other plans for us. On my dad's birthday, the April Fool's joke that unfolded was more than we could have handled or imagined. Harlow went into septic shock from the flu and strep throat and nearly died. We spent 5 weeks in the hospital, not knowing if we would walk out with our family of 3 in tact or as a man and woman in mourning. Thank God it wasn't the latter. You scarred my heart and eyes with what I felt and saw. I held my breath as I insanely stared at my baby's breathing monitor, trying to will her to take her own oxygen in and not depend on a machine. I learned to sleep to the rhythm of beeping from life supporting systems and nurses moving about. I sang to my child while surgeons stripped her delicate legs of their skin. I found comfort in clinging to my husband in a twin bed at the hospital. I learned to pray harder and deeper than I knew possible. I was shaken to my core and scared to death of what my year and entire life would end up being. We were robbed of the Spring months and all the optimism the new blooms usually mean to me. You left wounds to heal in my soul and all over my baby girl.
But you let us keep her. You showed me real fear and anguish, but from that nightmare, you also opened my eyes to something more precious than I can ever fully describe. I witnessed the good in people and true, raw beauty and love. My ears heard some of the most powerful prayers ever said, all in the name of Harlow. I was touched emotionally and physically from family and friends, to mere acquaintances and strangers. I made connections and lifelong relationships with nurses and doctors. I learned the importance of patience and waiting on things we value most.
I watched in awe as my baby learned to walk, without a portion of one heel. I played with my family in the sand and experienced the beach through my daughter's giggles and squeals.
Then you took Frank. And I was so angry. Why would you put us through so much in such a short time? Why wouldn't you give us a freaking break?!
You were kind to many and cruel to others.
You gave people I adore happiness, success, love and babies and yet you took them away from others. You ripped life from us and gave it back. You lifted my spirits higher than they've ever been and drug me down to the darkest depths. I was hopeful. I was hopeless. I lost my faith. My faith was strengthened. I worked hard. I slacked off. I was angry. I was thankful. I was cursed. I was blessed. I was lost. I was found.
I'm ready to say goodbye to you. I thank you for keeping me whole. For keeping me humble. For letting me remain a mommy. For weakening and strengthening my faith and marriage. For showing me I can make it through and still smile back at you. I hate moving forward without our Frankles, but have to. He is the only thing I hate leaving behind with you. I fear you. I love you. I appreciate you. I will not miss you. I needed you. But now you and I must part ways. Goodbye 2014. Please tell 2015 to continue to beautify all things in my life and be kind to us all.
