For so very long you were the center of our world. You were our new beginning. We had a puppy prior to you, but he was stolen so early on. We waited and took our time debating if we were ready for another bulldog. You fell into our lap and instantly made things better. You ruined all of our furniture and constantly peed on our DVD collection, but we didn't care. You had my engagement ring tied around a bow on your neck. I remember Blake saying, " Frank you're not doing your job" as you were licking me and not showcasing the ring. You were our save the date picture and our ring bearer at our wedding. Dressed up with angel wings. We tied homemade dog treats to the aisle chairs, to encourage you along.
When we made the move back home to Dallas, it took it's toll on you. Your allergies acted up. The major temperature change and life in a new place. With no hiking. No beach. Plenty of worries and responsibilities. But you stayed constant. Always entertaining us. Always making us laugh. Always.
When we struggled for 3 years trying to get pregnant, you would always sense my sadness and come rest your head on me. I knew you hurt too. When we finally were pregnant, I put a t shirt on you that said," I'm finally going to be a big brother" and that's how we told dad the big news. You rested on my growing belly and helped me read up on what to expect. Dad took some maternity pictures of me and you were in them too. You were always such a staple in our lives and we wanted to always include you.
When we adopted Gus, you were less than pleased. I know you had difficulty adjusting to someone new being in our home and we tried to ease that time. Gus was and is still a handful. He came from a bad place and wasn't always kind to you. I'm so sorry for that. I hope you eventually became okay with his presence and weren't unhappy.
When we brought your new baby sister home from the hospital, I researched how best to introduce you to her. I walked in first and greeted you and then dad brought Harlow in. You never seemed to mind or not mind her, so I assumed you were okay. I apologize for kicking you out of our bed. I know you loved sleeping in dad's armpit and I hated messing up your routine to better fit Harlow's.
As you grew older, you seemed less bothered by stuff and more into relaxing and being comfortable. It always made us giggle how put out you acted when we would force you to get exercise or take you to the dog park.
Things changed and life happened. I know I didn't spend enough time with you. Between work, Harlow etc, you kept getting pushed down the line. I loved you all the same but feel so bad that maybe you weren't shown enough.
The hardest part for me to face is thinking I didn't kiss you goodbye before we left on a Florida vacation. I was rushed packing, getting your sister ready, and getting myself ready. I can't recall for sure, but I think I just walked out the door without even acknowledging you. That is what is killing me. You stood by and were chosen over so often the last year and even though you were probably stressed that we were leaving, I was too caught up to hug you bye.
Had I only known, Frank. I took for granted that you would always be there. That you were always loyal. That you were struggling to adapt to all the changes. That you were there for all of my important moments and I lacked on my end. Getting that call to say on our last night of vacation, that you had died, will forever haunt me. Having to go tell dad and saying the words out loud. It still stings so bad. We cried all night. Knowing we weren't there for you in your final moments. Cried the whole plane ride home and had to race to get home, compose ourselves enough to bundle your lifeless body up in a blanket, and give you the proper goodbye you so deserved. We took you to a place where they will let us forever have a part of you. Dad wept as he fixed you up so I could see you. As I walked up to your body, my heart felt like it would stop. You were no longer there. You were already in another place. Hopefully you are on a beautiful beach, with a frisbee. Full of energy and life. Enjoying yourself but patiently waiting for us to join you. You weren't on that table, but I was. I cried and told you what a good boy you were. I told you how very sorry I was for sometimes neglecting you and for being absent when you needed me most. I rubbed your ears the way you always loved. I hope you heard me and felt me.
Bubba, I have been so torn apart these last few days. I can't even go to the dog food for Gus without feeling my stomach ache. I cannot walk through the dog alley at the store without tearing up. I miss you. I know it will get easier and we will always tell stories of your amazing life and companionship but I just wish you were still here. I wasn't ready to say goodbye to you. I dreamt of Harlow forcing you to play dress up. You would have hated it but bared it. I'm so so sorry Poops that your last days were spent with us gone. We will forever feel that pain. I hope you are happy and full of life. I hope you forgive us. I hope you will be waiting for us one day. You are and were my first baby and I love you so much.
You mastered sit, shake and high five. We never really concurred stay. Oh how badly I wish I could have made you stay.
August 9, 2014 was a horrific day for our family. Just when we were becoming whole again, a very important part of our family was taken away.
I want you back my sweet Frankles.
