What people rarely, if ever, talk about is when that period DOES come-month after month. When that pregnancy test repeatedly says "negative, not pregnant, -, not this time, again no baby". That little stick holds all the hope and promise in what it tells you. The seconds before it changes to tell you your fate, your heart pounds outside of your chest. Your dreams of becoming a parent, images of yourself pregnant and what your baby will look like, and of course just how you will break the news to your husband- all lie in what that test says.
And just like that, it's over. All the anticipation that this whole last month was the last month you had to live this vicious cycle. That all the stress, tears, perfect timing, injections, blood work, ultrasounds, retaining water weight, hormonal fits and the inevitable let downs are OVER!! But then they're not. Whether it's that dreadful call from the lab or the ugly sign on the test...all at once, you're back at square one again. Being sad, mad, frustrated, tired, stressed, overwhelmed and done with the whole process. Time to take a break, to revive myself. Let my body rest and go back to it's normalcy. Not worry all month whether this time, the pills, shots and IUI worked or not. How can I keep doing this?
Yet, the though of holding off from possibly getting pregnant, for a month, two or more is almost as crushing as the realization that once again, after a year of trying and 7-8 months of medical assistance- I'm still not pregnant.
I'm so ready for my baby.
(I wrote this entry on 12/13/11. Harlow will turn one this February 5th 2014. All is never lost).
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