Desperation -My First Journal Entry

People always talk about the miraculous moments of pregnancy. There are those who tried for a month and voila, they were pregnant.  There are those that were taken completely by surprise and had to adjust to the idea of having a baby. Oh the scary, joyous, breathtaking moment when their period didn't come and the home pregnancy test said "positive, +, =" or "pregnant".  Basically saying, "blessed, fortunate, lucky" etc. 

What people rarely, if ever, talk about is when that period DOES come-month after month. When that pregnancy test repeatedly says "negative, not pregnant, -, not this time, again no baby".  That little stick holds all the hope and promise in what it tells you.  The seconds before it changes to tell you your fate, your heart pounds outside of your chest.  Your dreams of becoming a parent, images of yourself pregnant and what your baby will look like, and of course just how you will break the news to your husband- all lie in what that test says. 

And just like that, it's over. All the anticipation that this whole last month was the last month you had to live this vicious cycle. That all the stress, tears, perfect timing, injections, blood work, ultrasounds, retaining water weight, hormonal fits and the inevitable let downs are OVER!!  But then they're not. Whether it's that dreadful call from the lab or the ugly sign on the test...all at once, you're back at square one again. Being sad, mad, frustrated, tired, stressed, overwhelmed and done with the whole process. Time to take a break, to revive myself. Let my body rest and go back to it's normalcy. Not worry all month whether this time, the pills, shots and IUI worked or not.  How can I keep doing this?

Yet, the though of holding off from possibly getting pregnant, for a month, two or more is almost as crushing as the realization that once again, after a year of trying and 7-8 months of medical assistance- I'm still not pregnant. 

I'm so ready for my baby. 

(I wrote this entry on 12/13/11.  Harlow will turn one this February 5th 2014.  All is never lost). 

Holidaze

Hoping everyone had a fantastic Holiday and I'm wishing you all a memorable new  year!  Here are a few highlights from Harlow's first Christmas:

1.  As an early Christmas present, Harlow   got her very first ear infection. Which was sad on its own, but given the fact that she caught it right at the tail end of a flu cold...she was pissed. So was I. And anyone we encountered during this awful time. 

2. We conquered the whole Santa Claus thing....twice.  She loved him and smiled big for all the photos. Nailed it!!

3.  In order to show her Noni that she loves her, Harlow graced my mother in law's bath tub with one of her famous tub poops.

4.  Harlow is on the move and crawling all over. Not sure if this is a great thingfor  me, as I loved the simplicity of a non mobile baby. But hey, at least she's hitting her milestones!

5. Harlow also learned how to wave so we spent the entire break greeting every person, place and thing.  She broke a new record by waving at the same man for an entire catholic mass.  To that sweet soul, thank you for playing along...for the entire hour.  Hope your wrist heals. 

6.  If Santa was waiting for Harlow to fall asleep before he came down the chimney, then he is probably frost bitten. She decided to party all night long with us on Christmas Eve.

7.  My daughter was beyond spoiled with dolls, toys, musical instruments, clothes, books and pushing charts. So I can completely understand that while sitting in the middle of all these amazing things...she would only be interested in a cardboard box.

8.  When we returned home, to thank me for all her Christmas love and gifts...Harlow gave me a hug, a kiss, a wave, the word mama and one of her famous tub poops.

9.  I'm fulfilled and trying to find places to stash all the crap she got. 

Why'd you have to go and take me at my word...

I decided to start this blog as an outlet for my struggles, my journey, my sorrows and the pure magic that is being a mother to Harlow.   I didn't expect anyone to care or bother to read any of my posts and I have truly being moved by all the sweet comments I have received.  

I should know how important words can be; as I just wrote an entire post about how they can affect someone. I'm well aware how words can touch you; like lyrics to a song. I know firsthand how words can pierce your soul and cut through.  And I also know how strengthening, powerful and healing words can be. Like I stated before, I didn't think many would read this blog, but I'm so so glad you have and can relate on many levels. I was not the first or only one to face these issues and unfortunately there will be many many more after me. I was so fortunate to have a female friend who had been through a similar journey and although our situations weren't mirrored reflections of one another; we both had the same yearning to become mothers some day. 

I have been thanked by some for being so honest and courageous to tell so many personal stories and experiences. I have been floored to learn how many others share my story or one similar.  I hope that you know that there is a happy ending and you have to believe that. 

I hope I haven't offended anyone or hurt anyone's feelings. That is never my intention.  For everyone who has reached out to me  about something they have read in my blog...I have today thank you. It makes my struggles so much easier and my delight in the present so much purer. 

Do Yourself A Solid And Don't Ask

Here's a little fairy tale for you....

A guy meets a girl. They fall in love. He proposes to her. They get married. They have kids.  They live happily ever after; no questions asked. I hate to be the barer of bad news but that's never gonna happen. Here is a real life scenario:

You're single. 

People will constantly ask you when you're going to meet someone.  (Like you freaking know or something. Perhaps you enjoy being single or wish you could find someone).

You meet someone. 

People will constantly ask when you're going to get engaged  (even if you've only been dating that person for a few months).

You get engaged.

People may say "Congratulations" yet their very next question will be when is the wedding?

You get married. 

People will ask when you're having a baby.  (Even though the ink is still wet on all those checks you wrote for your big day).

You have a baby.

People will ask when you are having another baby.  (Although you may not hear that one because 

a) you are so sleep deprived, you barely catch a word anyone says these days 

b) you have sweet potato in your ear from your baby's lunch session

c) you went to laugh and realized you peed yourself...again).

Oh and ps, it doesn't necessarily have to happen in that particular order but just a warning...if you decide to have a baby before you get married....the wedding questions will come at you 20 times more often in every which way. 

I know people are just curious, concerned or interested in our lives, but my perspective has greatly changed on asking questions. Especially regarding the baby situation. 

If you've read some of my blogs you know that my husband and I did IVF to conceive my daughter, Harlow. It's not a club I ever imagined or wanted to be a part of; but I'm so lucky that it was an option for us, that we were financially able to go through the process and of course that the first round worked!  I've never been ashamed or hidden the fact that We got pregnant using in vitro fertilization; as so many couples have to. It's like when people get plastic surgery and won't own up to it.  You could do it. You did it. Now accept it and admit it. 

I wasn't always so open or honest about my fertility issues. Like many, I went through multiple stages of emotions and vulnerability.  Denial, anger, depression, jealousy, hopelessness and the list could go on and on. I chose not to share my struggles with many people as I wanted to stay positive and for a few moments, not stress over it. I withdrew myself a little from my friends and social life as it got harder and harder to be around people and act lively, see them pregnant, etc.    Due to this, lots of people didn't know my husband and I were even trying to have a baby. This can be a blessing or a curse. 

I can so vividly remember when my family and I were sitting around on a Thanksgiving visit and my sister in law announced that she was expecting. We had been trying with medicine and testing for over two years and although it was the wrong reaction...I wanted to die. That's when a somewhat intoxicated person looked at me and said, "Well, you better hurry up and get on it Julie."  I lost it and began uncontrollably bawling right there at the table. That statement killed me completely. She had no idea we were struggling but it didn't make it hurt any less.  And so many times before and after that day, people constantly asked and probed us as to when we would start having kids. 

I'm not making this a pity story about me. Just a nice PSA to everyone out there that asks. I know you just care and are eager for your friend or relative to start a family, but maybe they don't know if they ever want kids. Maybe they can't agree on the children decision. Maybe they aren't financially capable of having a baby right now. Maybe they have conceived and have lost one or more babies. Maybe  they have been on a long waiting list to adopt. Or maybe, just maybe all they want is to get pregnant but are either struggling or are unable to.  Please be gentle with your questions as every time you ask someone a question regarding their love life, marriage, or future children...you are simply reminding them of what they don't have. 

I usually try to add humor to my posts but this one is near and dear to me. 

It's Official...

I've become my mother.  In the best sense of the word, but it is shocking how many things change once that precious little bundle of joy enters your world. 

1.  It is impossible to spontaneously do ANYTHING anymore. Remember how you used to be like, "oh we are out of milk" and would just grab your keys and run to the store?  Not happening anymore. First of all, you will only go to the store when you are in dire need of something (diapers, baby Tylenol, vodka...I sort of kid on that last one).   Or when you have a list that is so damn long it's obvious how long it's been since you last went to the store. You are even out of condiments. When that time comes when there is literally nothing left to eat in your house...you'll go to the supermarket. It will take you about 15-45 minutes to pack up everything you may need "just in case" the baby has a meltdown, gets hungry, or decides now is the optimal time to have an explosive diaper.  Once that's all ready, you will get to play the game of  "I know you hate going in the car seat but please, please just this once let me buckle you in without arching your back etc.".  Once that battle is won, you pack up the car and head to Kroger. Half of the time you will forget that huge list and won't even consider going back for it.  So then you get the privilege of playing the guessing game of what you truly need to buy.  This entails going down every aisle, while pulling random colorful objects off the shelves to entertain the baby. Hopefully your baby is big enough to sit in the baby seat of the shopping cart because if you have to bring in that whole car seat...you can physically only fit like five things in that cart. You end up leaving out essential items or slowly piling stuff up around your baby until you're sure the lady in aisle 5 is calling child protective services on you. Once you finally check out, the teenage bagger will load all your groceries into a completely separate cart, which makes putting an infant car seat into it impossible.  Then you and said teenager will struggle to load all those damn bags into the cart without smothering your child.  When you arrive home, 1-4 hours later...once you debate which gets unloaded first...the milk, ice cream or the baby...you will then and only then realize all the items you forgot to get.  But there is no way in hell you're attempting that whole thing again. So you'll eat dry cereal for a week until you muster up the courage to face the store again or the always safer, faster and far less painful option...let daddy watch the baby while you take a mini vacation at Kroger. 

Slumber Party

I'm certain many parents (especially the moms) will cringe at all that I confess today...so if you are one of those super safety, Type A, follow the books word by word....then you may want to click off of here now. (I don't want messages reading me passages from Baby books, telling me how I'm doing it all wrong).  

One of the #1 rules in most parenting books will tell you to not bring your baby into bed with you. Guess what?  We do.  Not every night and we truly aren't trying to make a super dependent child, but we like it.  She can cuddle with us and feel safe and usually falls to sleep pretty fast.  Want to know another reason we sometimes invite our daughter into our bed?  Because it's super convenient for her father and I.  She cries;  we can lean over, find the miracle worker (also know as a pacifier) and put it right back in her mouth.  I wouldn't label myself as a lazy person, but while Harlow is teething and up at all hours of the night and way early morning...I thoroughly enjoy this quick fix.   We won't continue to have her in bed with us. I mean, we aren't going to be those creeps that have a 15 year old still snuggling up with us...but sometimes I say screw those baby books. Most are one sided and in all fairness, kids (and parents) are ALL different.  The way I do things may not please you and trust me, the way you dress your child doesn't please me.  ( I kid, sort of).  I don't have to read an author's perspective on things to know what is right or best for my family. It's all a bit of trial and error.  Hopefully not too many errors (please don't read my post titles "suck it June cleaver."  

My daughter's safety and well being are always our top priority but I think society is over paranoid and tends to reach for others' rules and guidiance on how to parent.  I don't need a book to tell me how to nurture, love, or discipline my child. Isn't it our job as parents to decide what's the right action for our offspring?  How does author Judy know what's best for Harlow?  She's never even met her. 

Please don't think I'm being rude or judge mental. I've seen parents who I'm certain or doing a better job than I in some areas. But it's my house, my child and our life to figure it out.  Now go raise your baby the way you feel is best and let me get off this computer but I roll over onto my baby.  I'm teasing. 

For better or worse. In sickness and in health (unless the baby needs me)

This one is to all the baby daddies out there. Husbands, boyfriends, donors, I had one too many and can't remember his name and oops I'm pregnant.... All those guys. Hear me out, I know that some of you may have been put on the back burner while your lady was pregnant but I'm here to tell you...it gets worse. Ha. I wish I was kidding. 

You had all that time with just your woman. Date nights, cooked meals, spontaneous afternoon delights and overall, our full and undivided attention. And then that precious baby came along. 

I've read enough pregnancy and baby books to know the man getting the backseat is quite normal and although it seems (and really is) the short end of the stick...bare with us.  Lots of things change once the baby arrives. Numero UNO. Our bodies are way jacked up. I don't even have to use the phrase imagine squeezing something the size of a watermelon out something the size if lemon. But for real. Imagine that.  Yep, so I'm not a warrior and chose the ever amazing epidural option and so perhaps I didn't technically feel that whole watermelon and lemon analogy but ya know what I did feel?! EVERYTHING once that epidural wore off. I now had this flapjack stomach, a very sore ass and other lower regions and a precious newborn who wanted to eat off of me. 

I won't even get into the nipple tenderness or the fact that I never knew something on my boobs could be so painful...in the beginning. It did get better and I loved nursing Harlow. 

Then we go in for that 6 week post check up and hopefully get the ok to start having sex again. Only while your woman is terrified, you (or maybe just my husband) are whistling throughout the house while lighting candles and pushing play on the Sade cd.  Come on, you know she makes good rompin' music. 

After your lady decides to stop breastfeeding there is that ever awkward stage of when will it ever not be completely creepy for her to think her boobs; your baby's food source for however long, are now somehow your play toys again. Please understand how weird it is to make that transition. And life happens and babies need tons of attention...but so do you guys.   I am not some sexual beast who think about sex 24/7 (that's the man's job) but I can't help but feel sad at how neglected these fellas get. Ladies: I'm as guilty as you are. When I finally get a chance to sit down and relax, I obviously need to check my Facebook page, my Instagram page, perezhilton.com etc. you get my point. I'm super busy. Ha. But I noticed that beating level 2,347 in candy crush had taken the place of My man and I talking and cuddling and being together.  It's so easy to fall into this cycle. It happens to us all. But I think Heidi Klum and Seal had it right by saying  they came first in each others' lives and then the kiddos. They knew that loving each other was the best way to raise babies. Now please don't take the fact that Heidi and Seal split change your mind.  Ha ha.  Go hug your man. Kiss on him and for goodness sake...give it up every once in a while. 😜