Monday, October 5, 2015

Needing Closure

We need closure.  Not the emotional type that one seeks after an unexpected break up, but the physical kind.   We literally need Harlow's sutures to pull her incision closed and heal. 

I'll start by saying that Dr Beale wasn't pleased with her stitches last week.  He said that the skin surrounding them looked compromised and he switched her to a stronger antibiotic.   We were worried but knew we had to remain calm and stay positive. A few days on her new medicine and the incision was looking better and appeared to be healing; not just to me, but to the doctor as well. Last night when I was changing her bandage, I noticed what appears to be a hole in her skin. The sutures are spread apart and her skin is split.  This is obviously not what we wanted or needed to happen.  The silver lining is that throughout this whole ordeal, Harlow has been comfortable and happy.  She never complains about pain or when we have to change her bandages. She's such a damn trooper. 
I sent a picture of the area to our family friend, who happens to also be a nurse who has worked on many of Harlow's surgeries.  Bonus:  she will one day be quasi family! She confirmed that it wasn't  supposed to look like that and she was kind enough to send that picture on to our doctor. He too, agreed that it was not ideal. 

I'm not sure why, but last night as Harlow was sleeping on my chest, I started having all these vivid memories of her in the hospital, getting respiratory therapy treatments.  I had not thought of those times in a while, so the clearness of the events was a bit shocking to me. I couldn't tell if it was the 32 lb toddler on me or anxiety that was making it hard to breathe. 
Maybe it was a little sign to let me know that things, although not how we hoped, still aren't as bad as how they were.   I know how lucky we are.  I hear and read stories almost daily that remind me of how easily things could have gone a different way. I will never stop being thankful for that. 

This morning when the doctor called to inform me that we needed to go back into surgery, I shouldn't have felt so defeated; but I did. He is hoping that if the implant isn't exposed, that he can just remove the compromised area and put a new incision on the front of her leg. I know this isn't life changing. I know this isn't life threatening.  I know everything will be ok. I'm just...sad.  And disappointed. I'm upset for Harlow. She had such a rough time coming out of surgery a few weeks ago and now we have to put her through all of that again. 

I'm thankful she is here.  I'm thankful she still has limbs that can be operated on.  I'm thankful that this child that I waited so very long for, is built with so much understanding and strength.  And bravery. And cuteness. And mounds of curls.  She's holding up her end of the deal and I'll be damned if I'm not going to hold up my end of it.

I cried. I wiped the tears away.  I say this is a setback. Not a permanent roadblock. Little by little I'm getting the closure I need to move forward and let go of what happened and what could have been.   Now we just need her body to continue working hard to better itself and finally reach the point where we can begin to put all of this behind us.  Closure.  

1 comment:

  1. Reading this makes me teary-eyed. There are few words I can offer. First, I am sorry. Second, I will pray for the best outcome possible for Harlow. We love her.

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