So far this new, fresh year has held up to most of my expectations. We swore to move forward, with our heads held high and face any new challenges with grace and optimism.
I'd say I faltered a bit in March, as harlow's plastic surgeon informed us that he wanted to proceed with tissue and skin expansions on her leg; years sooner than we had anticipated. I tried to act okay with this new turn of events, but somewhere deep inside of me, the tears and anxieties started to release again. Harlow has come so far and is just such a good little girl. She's happy and jumping and running the show in our house and we have been thankful for every single second. The mere thought of taking her down again and possibly tarnishing her spirit, left me with an unbearable aching. I've been told by others and by my own self, that this procedure is a good thing. It will help ensure that she continues to grow and move without any limitations. It will aide in much needed padding and physical scars, that we have slowly adjusted to. I'm aware that the younger she is, the quicker her recovery will be and the less she will remember. We will start the process in the fall and will advance through the steps over 5-6 months. I know it's the right thing and the very best thing for her, but that hasn't eased my nerves or my heart.
When I push that situation out of my mind, it's easy for me to get wrapped up in life, work, family etc. Although I know that change is good, I have been hoping for a little boring normalcy. No major events, as we had more than our share last year.
And then Dr. Sue let us know that she was retiring. If you read my blog, you'll remember I wrote about Harlow's pediatrician and just how much she means to me and my family. She took on so much more than a doctor's role while Harlow was sick. I had always loved her, but after seeing her true colors, I couldn't imagine life without her. I remember when my neighbor told me the bad news...we were at the zoo. I cried at the zoo. Right there in front of the elephants. I just wanted and needed everything to be the same this year and now, a huge part of Harlow's life (and mine) was abruptly changing. I'm trying to accept that we will be ok and with any bribing, perhaps we can get her to care for Harlow somewhere else.
The questions have started again on if or when Blake and I will have another baby. This always boggles my mind. If people asked if we "wanted" more children, I would get it. It's that they always ask if or when we are having more kids. Newsflash: we didn't get pregnant easily the first go around. I know people do get pregnant naturally after IVF, but that's not a guarantee. How could I possibly know if or when I'll get pregnant?. I may never. This isn't me being a pessimist, as I would love another baby. Harlow would shine as a big sister and I love having siblings. But I'm done putting that type of pressure on myself. Would I love another child? Yes. But am I slowly becoming at peace if Harlow is my one and only? Yes. I've read several articles about why people only have one child and while it wouldn't necessarily be my choice, it was a really good read. Lots of the points made sense to me. Could I love another baby the way I love Harlow? I hope so. I'm just not making any real plans as far as that goes. Our main focus is Harlow and getting her in the best place possible. This next procedure will take at least 6 months and I think that will take up most of our year. She's so worth it.
Again, I know change is enviable, but for now, I just want to focus on the present and what I've been lucky enough to be given already.
